On the subject of love.

Soo. This isn't really a post about Sydney. It's actually a recent discussion with a friend with girlfriend troubles. I'd be interested to know what you think of it.

Soo. Here's my awkward shuffling of an introduction to the subject of LOVE. That elusive and annoying Thing that everybody seems to get so worked up about these days.

I don't know anything about relationships, just for the record. Mine have all been spectacularly unsuccessful. Therefore I am definitely not the person to be agreeing or disagreeing here but I am desperate to know what to do to Make It Work next time round.

My friend implied that love was like a co-operation and tolerance....is this that? Co-operation implies a mutual business agreement of some sort to me, like you sign some sort of contract in which Person A does X, Y and Z, and Person B does X, Y and Z in return. This kind of commitment feels a bit...well, like a contract. Which is the kind of thing that would make most people feel trapped if Person A couldn't meet requirements X, Y and Z or if Person B wasn't doing their X, Y and Zs to Person A's satisfaction. Probably not the recipe for a good relationship (though I'm sure it works just swell for businesses).

This is what I think so far (and feel free to correct me on my inevitable errors):

The fundamentals...so, yeah, you have to be attracted to the person. Pretty important. But of course, you kinda have to know what you're attracted to about them as well, and whether those traits are durable. And whether or not they're sensible things to be attracted to.

That may sound a little clinical but I'm certain it's absolutely key to a successful relationship. It's all well and good being attracted to a person because they have lovely Xs or a great Y but of course generally these things don't last a lifetime (regrettably). Of course, people think they've got past the whole 'attracted to looks' thing these days, but I think your body tells you things your brain doesn't like to hear and that, deep down, somewhere in there, we are all a bit like that. It's not the be all and end all but it is a vital thing to be sexually attracted to the gal (or guy). I guess you'd hope that it would be something that would improve with age, like a great smile or kind eyes, and things that told you about their lifestyle habits, like cleanliness and physical fitness. But of course it isn't always like that.

Having said that, I know times where I've definitely had people become attractive or unattractive based on their personality. Admittedly sexy, but also shallow or stupid - these guys are just not a turn on however pretty they might be to look at. And guys who I've thought 'hm, no' at first glance have changed my mind with intelligence and by making me laugh.

Sometimes people are attracted to things which are absolutely not good for relationships (I know for example, a fellow who finds a girl crying very attractive; and several girls who likes guys who treat them like crap). I don't know if these things can be helped, but if one has any of these turn ons its certainly something to be aware of and monitor...probably wouldn't lead to decent relationship dynamics.Or at least, not very harmonious ones...I'm sure it's all very rollercoaster-esque. But probably not good for long term emotional stability really. You'd just end up like one of those snivelling wrecks I know far too many of, who weep ten times a day because they've broken up with their boyfriend for the third time this month.

I really, really hate those girls. I am so unsympathetic. It seems like such a vacuous existence and it's horrid that they've let that person develop such a hold over them, like some weird parasitic creeping vine. YUCK.

Most of this probably seems absolutely pointless if we assume that love isn't rational. I think love can be rational; I think that's the way we love our best friends. They're not perfect or anything like that but the love has developed over time and for good reasons (namely that you make each other laugh, support each other through times of hardship, and help each other learn new things). The love we have for our families is the 'irrational' kind; that deep down loyalty to the person so that, no matter what happens, no matter how much you fight, no matter how much you annoy each other, you're stuck together and that's that. I think we need a little bit of that in a relationship too.

I worry for men; they spend far too much time with other men and nowhere near enough time with women. And vice versa. And we all spend far too much time on The Sims. Well, I do.

An excerpt from the blog:

"I see lots of lovely glossy advertisements with shiny white smiles glinting with What Men Want and How To Get It. This invariably involves spending money, some manipulation and of course, a couple of compromising sexual positions. And the worst thing is, most of the men have actually fallen for it. They think that this "pretty, brainless, expensive-to-run whore" is going to make them happy. And the women dutifully follow suit."

I hate myself a little bit every single time I put on makeup. But I still do it. I have to avoid magazines like the plague.. Magazines are probably the worlds expert on how to make people attracted to you. But they have no idea how to make someone love you. I guess that's a little bit of an oxymoron...can you force love onto somebody? People assume not...I wonder if you can...maybe it's like attraction...pushing the right buttons. But I suppose at the end of the day button pushing you isn't real you therefore it can't be Real Love.

Human Traces by Sebastian Faulks is a good book on all of this. And let's get a hint from good ol' Peter:

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offence.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, its endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.

So what I read into this is..

Love requires discipline and forbearance. It means you have to be understanding and to also have the humility to accept that you can't always understand...Love loves everything. Even the incredibly annoying bits. It doesn't actively go out of its way to cause pain to anyone or anything.... True love is not possessive, or greedy, or jealous. It doesn't demand attention, or time, favours, help or love in return for love. It doesn't demand anything. It simply is. So; love is respectful to others and humble within itself...Never selfish nor quick to take offence...I guess we go back to humility and patience here...There is nothing love cannot face...Love is beyond strength. It, once again, simply is. It has no limit.

Religious love...family love...relationship love...

I guess love requires resilience and flexibility too. Ultimately, people change over time, circumstances change over time (and generally, unfortunately, not for the better) and love has to change over time too.

Ultimately, in the end, life is bloody shit. It fucks your brain up, your body up, and all your bloody plans. We all end up weak, frail, and powerless. The illusion is that we were ever strong, powerful and would live forever. True love carries you through all that.


At least, I think.

DISCUSS. Preferably with quotes so that we can all sound like lofty philosophers. :D